First Christmas without Earl. We made it. Just another time for missing the things that Earl did not just that we miss him in body. Earl always did Santa. Not just in public for parties, but for Mary as well. He was the keeper of presents because I am not good at keeping them hidden. I would buy things throughout the year and they would disappear almost as soon as we got home. He would never tell me that he had put them away. He just did it. Then they would re-appear Christmas morning.
Mary received 2 American Girl dolls. She had asked for one and then someone gave me money for Mary for Christmas. I guess I should have not been so frivolous as to buy 2 expensive dolls for the same Christmas but I have watched Mary play with dolls. She gives each one an identity. Each one has their own personalities. I just thought that 2 would be more fun than one and we have been missing Earl so much. I just needed to spoil her a little more. Now I am making American Girl doll clothing so that she has more than one outfit. I just can't pay $22+ for doll clothes.
We missed not doing Santa Claus. It is so hard to do a Christmas Party with Claus family and not have Santa. The Christmas Season hasn't been near as hectic, but it hasn't been near as fun either.
Mary got to play Mary for the Primary Nativity. She cared for that baby doll as if it were a real child. We have had a chance to focus on Christ this year from making a Nativity together at Super Saturday to Mary reading Luke 2 all by herself on Christmas Eve.
First Christmas back in Lewiston. I had forgotten how truly cold it gets here. Right now it is 12:15 pm and 5 degrees! Brrr! We spent a good part of the day at my parents home.
I am really trying to get my house put together. We moved in April and it still looks like we are just moving in, or maybe we are moving out. Who can tell? I have been sorting through boxes of paper and all kinds of stuff. Throwing out a lot. My sister comes over a couple of times a week to help me carry out the garbage. I almost have my big living room looking like it is actually lived in instead of being a warehouse.
Another one of thoses things that Earl did was the housework. I am terrible at it. I would rather do almost anything than wash dishes. My laundry stacks up. Mary's room always needs picking up. And right now because I'm working through the boxes in the living room, it is looking worse instead of better. What I need is a schedule. Like the old dish towels. You know Laundry on Monday, Kitchen on Tuesday, whatever it was.
Now I'm off to take Mary for a late lunch. Merry Christmas everyone!
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
I have a new calling in my Ward
I am happy to announce that I will be serving in the Nursery in my ward. I love Nursery. I sort of knew it was coming because I was talking to one of the Primary Presidency the other night at the Christmas party. She asked me if I would be willing to sub for Nursery and I told her that I love Nursery. Her husband is in the Bishopric. I will be doing the lesson and the music for them. I love it!
Friday, November 20, 2009
Dress is finished
The dress I have been working on for most of the month is finally complete with the exception of the hem that I will be measuring for next week. This one has been a fun learning experience. I recently read a book called "The Dressmaker's Guide" I was able to apply lots of the information from the book into making this dress. I really learned a lot.
Now I get to make a men's outfit. Button Fly wool pants and a very fancy waistcoat (vest). I love sewing for the museum because I learn so much.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Halloween Costume
For the third year in a row, Mary wants to be a pumpkin for Halloween. The first year we used my sister's pumpkin costume. Last year we found a very cute sweat suit that had a jack-o-lantern face on the shirt. Since we moved this year, we couldn't make it to my sisters to borrow hers again and the sweat suit was too small. So I did some brain storming and one day I was walking through Micheals and they had orange t-shirts 2 for $5. Bingo! I had made my sisters pumpkin costume years ago so I knew what the construction was like. So I bought 2 shirts. One in a child Large and the other in an adult XL. I ironed on a face using double sided adhesive like Wonder Under but a different brand. I cut off the hem's and sewed the two shirts together taking tucks in the larger shirt so that it fit the smaller shirt. Cut off the sleeves so that it resembled a tank top then serged the armholes together. Stuffed in between the two shirts with nylon net to make it puffy. I made a hat out of one of the adult sleeves and viola! Pumpkin costume. Yes I am quite proud of my creativity. Usually I have to have someone's instructions to be creative, but this one I came up with all by myself!
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Baptism, Ben and Friends
Seems like it has been so long since I posted. Okay it has been. So much has happened so quickly and then there are just some days that communication is just not on the list for the day.
To start off with Mary was baptized on August 29. She decided that Steve Sorensen should baptize her since he baptized Earl in 2002. Then she asked Uncle Richard to confirm her. I need to collect pictures from those who took them. I only got one of her and Steve in their white clothing.
She wanted a dress of her own design and I got it done but again, Mom took the picture and I have forgotten to take a picture when she has worn it. It is really pretty. She designed it and I sewed it.
Mary was having a hard time going to Primary by her self. She would either come to Relief Society with me or I would go to Primary with her. The RS president's dog had puppies (10) in July and they were ready for homes so she told Mary she would give her a puppy if she would go to Primary all by herself. (Jill checked with me first so it wasn't without Mom's consent) Well, that seems to have done the trick. She knows that if she stops going to Primary again, that the puppy will go away. She really anguished over a name for her puppy. She wanted a good name. In her words not a silly dog name. She finally chose the name "Ben" He is a black lab mix. He is 13 weeks old and loves to chew. He is an outside only dog. Last night really stressed Mary out because of the rain.
The Tenth Ward opened a time capsule that was sealed in 1909. We made a day of it and went to the Aquarium with the Putnam's. The kids had a great time and I had fun spending time with Marti again. And I actually got pictures. So I posted them but I don't know how to move them so they are at the top along with a picture of Gabby and Mary at the 10th Ward and Mary with Ben.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Mary's Baptism
Mary will be getting baptized on Aug 29 at 1:00p.m. It will be held at the Richmond Stake Center 135 W Main Street, Richmond UT. As you travel up the Highway through Richmond, when you come to the light there is a park to your right. Turn right and the church is on the right hand side of the next intersection. We are getting all the details settled but would love to have all her friends and family there.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
What a couple of Month's it has been!
We are finally winding down on our trek season. I have one more week of heavy sewing and then it backs off drastically from there. I haven't had much time to update the world. So here it goes. Mary finished school. She is now officially a 2nd Grader. She got up this morning and said that she couldn't wait for her birthday because then she would be accountable and know right from wrong. We had yet another discussion about the fact that you just don't wake up one morning and know how to choose the right. You have to practice making choices every day.
About a month ago, after yet another screaming session of doing Mary's hair, I made an appointment with the local shop to have her hair cut. She fought me all the way but after it was done, she loved how not tangled it was. It is now a chin length bob and it is very cute. Now she does her hair almost constantly. Just before the hair cut she decided that it was time for her bangs to be cut so once again she cut her own hair. She cut them off right at the roots. Her hair might look normal for the beginning of school.
Business has been very busy. We have been sewing about 12 hours every day for a couple of months. To make matters worse, I'm not adjusting well to the earlier ship times so we have had to make rush trips to Salt Lake to make shipments at the airport on the average of twice a week. Hopefully next year will be better.
Our house looks like we are either moving in or out. Can't really tell which. I have been so busy that the unpacking just hasn't happened. I'm hoping that now that it is slowing down, I'll be able to finish putting the house together before the end of the first week of August.
In June, my heart flipped out. I spent 2 weeks in atrial fibrillation (a-fib). The doctors told me that because they have eliminated the stroke factor with the blood thinner, that the rest of a-fib is more or less just a nuisance. It makes me really tired; my resting heart rate was 140. Finally after they gave me a medicine to reduce my heart rate, my heart started beating normally again about 2 weeks later. The really bad part of it is that Mary will not go anywhere without me. She goes with me to Relief Society and Sunday School which is really the only place I go lately. She used to spend my sister's days off with her, but now she won't because she is worried that something will happen to me if she isn't around. I don't know how to help her out of this. We need to figure out a solution before school starts because I don't really want to go to 2nd grade.
One advantage to living so close to my parents is that we go to their house for lunch every day. My sister prepares ultra healthy food for my mom and dad so we get at least one healthy meal every day. Other advantages include that my dad mows my lawn and my mom doesn't have to drive 2 hours just because she's worried about us. We really like the small town living.
Mary had a great time on the 4th of July. We went to a neighbors house to watch the parade because our house isn't on the parade route. Almost every entry in this parade throws candy. Then after the parade the kids all head to the park where the firetruck soaks them with the hose. The rodeo grounds are right across the street from us which is where they light the fireworks so almost without my knowing, Mary set up a family BBQ to watch the fireworks. Someone in the family let me know that she had invited them, by asking what they could bring. She is definitely her daddy's little girl. He always wanted to have a group over for some reason or another and I was always the stick in the mud. We have a fire pit in our back yard. We had some very expertly roasted marshmallows courtesy of my nephew's girlfriend. Yum! The fireworks were great too. Front row seats and we didn't have to fight traffic afterwards.
When Earl passed away, I promised the Gillmore's that I would make sure that we made one trip a year to Seattle. We are going for 12 days in August. Returning on Mary's birthday. At first she wasn't very excited about that but then Grandma told her that it would be like having a birthday party on the plane. Now she can't wait and I hope Grandma's right. Mary starts school on August 20th so we have to be back in time for school.
My calling in the ward is "Audio Specialist" We have several older members that can't get out to church so we record Relief Society and Sacrament meeting with a Digital Voice Recorder, then I take them a transfer the recordings to CD's and deliver them to the home bound visiting teacher who makes weekly visits to these sisters. What a cool church we belong to. Always taking care of everyone.
I miss Earl every day. Today we had a pioneer centered program partly because of Pioneer Day coming up and partly because the stake just got back from trek. One of the sisters spoke about how she felt like those that had passed through that way in the 19th century were helping them reenact the trek. I think Earl probably is in that group. I can't imagine that he would be anywhere else but teaching others about the pioneers.
About a month ago, after yet another screaming session of doing Mary's hair, I made an appointment with the local shop to have her hair cut. She fought me all the way but after it was done, she loved how not tangled it was. It is now a chin length bob and it is very cute. Now she does her hair almost constantly. Just before the hair cut she decided that it was time for her bangs to be cut so once again she cut her own hair. She cut them off right at the roots. Her hair might look normal for the beginning of school.
Business has been very busy. We have been sewing about 12 hours every day for a couple of months. To make matters worse, I'm not adjusting well to the earlier ship times so we have had to make rush trips to Salt Lake to make shipments at the airport on the average of twice a week. Hopefully next year will be better.
Our house looks like we are either moving in or out. Can't really tell which. I have been so busy that the unpacking just hasn't happened. I'm hoping that now that it is slowing down, I'll be able to finish putting the house together before the end of the first week of August.
In June, my heart flipped out. I spent 2 weeks in atrial fibrillation (a-fib). The doctors told me that because they have eliminated the stroke factor with the blood thinner, that the rest of a-fib is more or less just a nuisance. It makes me really tired; my resting heart rate was 140. Finally after they gave me a medicine to reduce my heart rate, my heart started beating normally again about 2 weeks later. The really bad part of it is that Mary will not go anywhere without me. She goes with me to Relief Society and Sunday School which is really the only place I go lately. She used to spend my sister's days off with her, but now she won't because she is worried that something will happen to me if she isn't around. I don't know how to help her out of this. We need to figure out a solution before school starts because I don't really want to go to 2nd grade.
One advantage to living so close to my parents is that we go to their house for lunch every day. My sister prepares ultra healthy food for my mom and dad so we get at least one healthy meal every day. Other advantages include that my dad mows my lawn and my mom doesn't have to drive 2 hours just because she's worried about us. We really like the small town living.
Mary had a great time on the 4th of July. We went to a neighbors house to watch the parade because our house isn't on the parade route. Almost every entry in this parade throws candy. Then after the parade the kids all head to the park where the firetruck soaks them with the hose. The rodeo grounds are right across the street from us which is where they light the fireworks so almost without my knowing, Mary set up a family BBQ to watch the fireworks. Someone in the family let me know that she had invited them, by asking what they could bring. She is definitely her daddy's little girl. He always wanted to have a group over for some reason or another and I was always the stick in the mud. We have a fire pit in our back yard. We had some very expertly roasted marshmallows courtesy of my nephew's girlfriend. Yum! The fireworks were great too. Front row seats and we didn't have to fight traffic afterwards.
When Earl passed away, I promised the Gillmore's that I would make sure that we made one trip a year to Seattle. We are going for 12 days in August. Returning on Mary's birthday. At first she wasn't very excited about that but then Grandma told her that it would be like having a birthday party on the plane. Now she can't wait and I hope Grandma's right. Mary starts school on August 20th so we have to be back in time for school.
My calling in the ward is "Audio Specialist" We have several older members that can't get out to church so we record Relief Society and Sacrament meeting with a Digital Voice Recorder, then I take them a transfer the recordings to CD's and deliver them to the home bound visiting teacher who makes weekly visits to these sisters. What a cool church we belong to. Always taking care of everyone.
I miss Earl every day. Today we had a pioneer centered program partly because of Pioneer Day coming up and partly because the stake just got back from trek. One of the sisters spoke about how she felt like those that had passed through that way in the 19th century were helping them reenact the trek. I think Earl probably is in that group. I can't imagine that he would be anywhere else but teaching others about the pioneers.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
We are in Lewiston!
Well, we made the move last weekend. I got computers up and running today. My sewing room is not ideal yet but functional. That's a good thing because we have received lots of orders.
I arrived Saturday just after they finished unloading the truck. By the way, for those who know how much stuff I have, I did not fit into a 26 foot truck. We went back on Sunday to retreive the rest of it. When I walked in the first time, there was a path so that you could walk through to each room but other than that it was packed in here. I have an absolutely amazing sister who stayed until we had beds to sleep in and part of the kitchen unpacked. She and her husband also helped get the rest of the stuff from the old house. Then she and her husband came on Monday to get my sewing room put together. Yesterday she worked on my kitchen, today we had to pick up some things in Logan so we haven't done much unpacking.
There are so many people who have helped out with this move. I couldn't have made it without so much help.
Mary seems to love her new school. Monday she was a little overwhelmed and wanted to move back to Salt Lake but each day she comes home with more good things.
I arrived Saturday just after they finished unloading the truck. By the way, for those who know how much stuff I have, I did not fit into a 26 foot truck. We went back on Sunday to retreive the rest of it. When I walked in the first time, there was a path so that you could walk through to each room but other than that it was packed in here. I have an absolutely amazing sister who stayed until we had beds to sleep in and part of the kitchen unpacked. She and her husband also helped get the rest of the stuff from the old house. Then she and her husband came on Monday to get my sewing room put together. Yesterday she worked on my kitchen, today we had to pick up some things in Logan so we haven't done much unpacking.
There are so many people who have helped out with this move. I couldn't have made it without so much help.
Mary seems to love her new school. Monday she was a little overwhelmed and wanted to move back to Salt Lake but each day she comes home with more good things.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Moving day is next week
We have been packing up and it seems like we are making headway but then I look at what still needs to be done, and I get so overwhelmed. I am so appreciative of all of the help that I have received from so many. We have taken out loads of garbage, loads to the DI, given away boxes of fabric scraps to quilters and I still have lots of stuff left over.
My bedroom is one of the last places to sort through. We will be giving a bunch of books to the Mormon Battalion for their library. I will we giving some books to our ward's lending library. I have video tapes to go through, and boxes and boxes of paper and clothing.
We have spent at least part of every weekend in Lewiston. Mary and I can't wait until we will be there full time in our own house. Mary worked on pulling old corn stalks out of the garden last weekend. Her dad taught her to love plants. She has a list of the things that she wants to put in her garden.
I took pictures last weekend when I looked at them, you can't really see anything. How do they take those pictures that are on the real estate sites? I didn't get anything of the outside because it was dark when I took pictures. I will try again this weekend.
My bedroom is one of the last places to sort through. We will be giving a bunch of books to the Mormon Battalion for their library. I will we giving some books to our ward's lending library. I have video tapes to go through, and boxes and boxes of paper and clothing.
We have spent at least part of every weekend in Lewiston. Mary and I can't wait until we will be there full time in our own house. Mary worked on pulling old corn stalks out of the garden last weekend. Her dad taught her to love plants. She has a list of the things that she wants to put in her garden.
I took pictures last weekend when I looked at them, you can't really see anything. How do they take those pictures that are on the real estate sites? I didn't get anything of the outside because it was dark when I took pictures. I will try again this weekend.
Monday, March 23, 2009
No more rumors. We are moving
Mary and I have found a home for rent in Lewiston, UT. It is an older home and comes with a yard. The kitchen was updated recently and has oak cabinets full across 2 walls. I can put my dining table in the center of the room and my freezer and refrigerator on another wall and still walk all the way around the table. It already has an office space that will work great for Pioneer Designs. The living room is 20x40. I don't know if I have enough stuff to furnish it but we are excited about it. It has a garden space and a pasture that someone else apparently takes care of. Mary wants a pet (a cat) I am not a cat person so I'm trying to get her to go a little smaller like a gerbil or a guinea pig. The landlord will let us have outdoor animals but it gets so cold in Lewiston during the winter that I'm not sure that will work. Next week when we are up for Earl's Birthday, I will take some pictures. We are going to try to be moved in by May 1.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
One Month
We have survived the first month since Earl's death. We have had some peaceful moments and some teary moments. One sweet moment: Mary told me that she had a dream about Daddy. I asked her if he said anything to her. She said "No Mom, spirits can't talk to you, they just watch." She is thinking about her baptism later this year. Right now she doesn't know who she can trust to baptize her and not leave her in the water too long.
I have found myself not doing a lot even when I have had a lot to do. I am getting better at just getting in and making myself work. My house is still a wreck but I'm making progress on the laundry. I keep hoping that the laundry-folding-fairy will come some night and my laundry will get off my couch. At least I have washed it and it is no longer a stinky mountain in front of the washer.
My landlord brought us in a new dishwasher. It really works. I guess the 3rd time is the charm. I love loading dishes in and having them come out clean.
The medical equipment company finally came and picked up the hospital bed and now I can get to my vacuum. I can't find my broom or my toilet brush so I guess I'll have to go buy new ones.
I need to find the box of tax information so that I can file my tax returns. And finally, I need to figure out a schedule so that I can do some sorting everyday along with sewing, spending time with Mary and taking care of the house.
Biggest things to learn when you experience a death in your family: Breath in and out and put one foot in front of the other. Pray always. Have patience with yourself. Healing takes time.
One thing I do know is that Earl is very busy. I don't know exactly what he is doing but I know that he has things he needs to get done as well. We both are still working toward our common goal of the Celestial Kingdom.
I picked out the headstone today. I hope I did the right thing. As a veteren, Earl was qualified to receive a military headstone. They are very simple. I wanted Earl's to say something about him. I love to walk through cemeteries and make up stories about people based on what is on the headstones. Earl and I had several dates doing just that. I want a headstone that someone could look at it and know something about him.
I have found myself not doing a lot even when I have had a lot to do. I am getting better at just getting in and making myself work. My house is still a wreck but I'm making progress on the laundry. I keep hoping that the laundry-folding-fairy will come some night and my laundry will get off my couch. At least I have washed it and it is no longer a stinky mountain in front of the washer.
My landlord brought us in a new dishwasher. It really works. I guess the 3rd time is the charm. I love loading dishes in and having them come out clean.
The medical equipment company finally came and picked up the hospital bed and now I can get to my vacuum. I can't find my broom or my toilet brush so I guess I'll have to go buy new ones.
I need to find the box of tax information so that I can file my tax returns. And finally, I need to figure out a schedule so that I can do some sorting everyday along with sewing, spending time with Mary and taking care of the house.
Biggest things to learn when you experience a death in your family: Breath in and out and put one foot in front of the other. Pray always. Have patience with yourself. Healing takes time.
One thing I do know is that Earl is very busy. I don't know exactly what he is doing but I know that he has things he needs to get done as well. We both are still working toward our common goal of the Celestial Kingdom.
I picked out the headstone today. I hope I did the right thing. As a veteren, Earl was qualified to receive a military headstone. They are very simple. I wanted Earl's to say something about him. I love to walk through cemeteries and make up stories about people based on what is on the headstones. Earl and I had several dates doing just that. I want a headstone that someone could look at it and know something about him.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Back in Business
I know that many reading our blog have not wanted to contribute to the chaos, so I just want to let everyone know who may be contemplating an order, we are back and functioning. Its time to get ready for trek.
Thanks all for your concern and prayers.
Thanks all for your concern and prayers.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Our new adventure
Its early Monday afternoon. The funeral was Saturday. I was very touched at the things that were said and the musical numbers. I planned the service, but I had no idea that at the response that I would have. I have had so many people helping me through the last week. I could never have made it through it all without so many people. Everyone has gone home. Mary is in school, although she never stopped going.
We now begin a new chapter in our lives. I keep trying to tell myself that it really shouldn't be that hard. Afterall, I was single for 38 years before I met Earl. But the reality is that Earl did come into my life and changed it forever. Going back is impossible. And now I am a single mom.
I have a mountain of stuff to sort through. There are many things that I definately want to keep. There are also many things that just need to be thrown away. However most of the stuff, falls into the really have to think about it category. I have had several people offer to help. I'm not sure that I am ready to tackle that yet. For the last eight years, Earl has done the bulk of the housework. I have to remember how to clean, do dishes and laundry. I know that it is just a matter of digging in. But then you add in the Earl factor. I can not do any of those things without thinking of him and then I start crying.
Then I wonder if I really did everything I could to keep him alive for as long as he could? Sometimes I don't feel sad at all. I actually catch myself laughing. Is that appropriate behavior for someone who's husband has just died? People ask and I tell them I'm doing okay. I think that I am and then in the next minute, I don't know if I am or not. I guess I have a lot of mental sorting as well as physical sorting.
I have orders that need to be completed. Work is therapy. Or is it escape?
We now begin a new chapter in our lives. I keep trying to tell myself that it really shouldn't be that hard. Afterall, I was single for 38 years before I met Earl. But the reality is that Earl did come into my life and changed it forever. Going back is impossible. And now I am a single mom.
I have a mountain of stuff to sort through. There are many things that I definately want to keep. There are also many things that just need to be thrown away. However most of the stuff, falls into the really have to think about it category. I have had several people offer to help. I'm not sure that I am ready to tackle that yet. For the last eight years, Earl has done the bulk of the housework. I have to remember how to clean, do dishes and laundry. I know that it is just a matter of digging in. But then you add in the Earl factor. I can not do any of those things without thinking of him and then I start crying.
Then I wonder if I really did everything I could to keep him alive for as long as he could? Sometimes I don't feel sad at all. I actually catch myself laughing. Is that appropriate behavior for someone who's husband has just died? People ask and I tell them I'm doing okay. I think that I am and then in the next minute, I don't know if I am or not. I guess I have a lot of mental sorting as well as physical sorting.
I have orders that need to be completed. Work is therapy. Or is it escape?
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Earl's Funeral Plans
The funeral will be Saturday at 11:00 at the 10th Ward Church which is on the corner of 400 South and 800 East in Salt Lake City. There will be a viewing one hour before the service.
There will be a viewing on Friday evening from 6 to 8 at the Larkin Mortuary at 260 E South Temple, in Salt Lake City
Burial will be in the Lewiston City Cemetery in Lewiston Utah. We will be travelling there immediately following the service.
I want to thank all for their kind words, thoughts and prayers throughout the day. My phone hasn't stopped ringing. So many people care so much.
There will be a viewing on Friday evening from 6 to 8 at the Larkin Mortuary at 260 E South Temple, in Salt Lake City
Burial will be in the Lewiston City Cemetery in Lewiston Utah. We will be travelling there immediately following the service.
I want to thank all for their kind words, thoughts and prayers throughout the day. My phone hasn't stopped ringing. So many people care so much.
Earl's passing
Earl passed away at approximately 1:00 a.m. this morning, February 3, We haven't had time to make funeral arrangements or anything. I will post them when I know.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Saturday January 31, 2009
We are receiving lots of help. We have started hospice. They do many things. I am mostly not emotional. I'm sure when the time comes to morn, I will morn. I do cry some everyday. My conversations with Earl have changed. In many ways it is like he is leaving on a trip. We talk about friends that he will see. We saw a monument of Brigham Young and Joseph Smith today and I wondered if Earl is going to get a chance to meet them. There have been a few people from the wagon train who have already passed on and we have had conversations about them.
In addition to hospice, we have friends that come in and help. One of the ladies from the ward, came yesterday and cleaned my kitchen. She is from Brazil. My kitchen hasn't been that clean since I don't know when. We have some other friends coming in today to help me move some furniture around to make it easier for Earl to move around when he needs to.
My cousin Sharon may come over for a couple of weeks. She is a nurse and has done home care before so she would come and help me when hospice isn't here because they can't be here all the time. I have asked if one of the Service Missionaries from the ward could sit with Earl while I go to at least Sacrament meeting tomorrow. They are in the process of releasing me from the library but this all changed so fast they haven't had time to do it yet. They were going to release me anyway we just thought we had a little more time.
I need to find a baby food mill. Earl gets hungry, but sometimes doesn't have the energy to chew a lot. He doesn't eat very much, but I refuse to make him eat bottled baby food.
Earl's son, Jacob, is in the process of getting a 2-week leave from Iraq to see his Dad. This is a miracle all by itself. They haven't spoken in years.
In addition to hospice, we have friends that come in and help. One of the ladies from the ward, came yesterday and cleaned my kitchen. She is from Brazil. My kitchen hasn't been that clean since I don't know when. We have some other friends coming in today to help me move some furniture around to make it easier for Earl to move around when he needs to.
My cousin Sharon may come over for a couple of weeks. She is a nurse and has done home care before so she would come and help me when hospice isn't here because they can't be here all the time. I have asked if one of the Service Missionaries from the ward could sit with Earl while I go to at least Sacrament meeting tomorrow. They are in the process of releasing me from the library but this all changed so fast they haven't had time to do it yet. They were going to release me anyway we just thought we had a little more time.
I need to find a baby food mill. Earl gets hungry, but sometimes doesn't have the energy to chew a lot. He doesn't eat very much, but I refuse to make him eat bottled baby food.
Earl's son, Jacob, is in the process of getting a 2-week leave from Iraq to see his Dad. This is a miracle all by itself. They haven't spoken in years.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Where we are
This has not been a good week. Starting Thursday, Earl has taken a bad fall each day. His ammonia is really high. His breathing became irregular Monday morning about 3:00. Thanks to good neighbors, I took Earl to the ER while Kathy stayed with Mary. As suspected, his ammonia had gone up even more. The medicine that they give to bring it back down, causes intense diarrhea. Earl doesn't like it (who would?) so it is hard to get him to take it. Generally liver disease patients are on it to keep their ammonia in check. Earl has been on something else because he is so sensitive to it. Now he has no choice. However, he has been on it for two days with no apparent change.
We saw the oncologist yesterday. The long and short of it is that Earl may only have weeks left. The uncontrollable ammonia is yet another indication that he is suffering liver failure. We are starting Community Nursing Services today.
I wasn't expecting the end to come so quickly. Earl seemed to be doing really well during our trip to Seattle. I thought for sure when we got back that his bilirubin would be down when we got back. The bilirubin hasn't come down and the ammonia has risen. Earl doesn't sleep much. Trying to get him to stay in bed at night is a challenge. When we were at the doctor a week ago, Earl mentioned that he was afraid that he would die in his sleep without being able to say goodbye. Turns out that generally when you have liver failure, you just go to sleep and that's it. I think that Earl is avoiding sleep because he doesn't want to die. I don't blame him. I would be the same way I think. They have at least temporarily taken him off his chemo pill so we can find out if it is, somehow, causing the raise in the ammonia.
I talked to Mary about all this yesterday. Her first response was that she doesn't want a new daddy. I told her that it took me so long to find her daddy and I really doubted that we would have to worry about that any time soon. Later when we talked about the good and the bad of her day she said that the good part was painting Wendy's snow. The bad part was finding out that her dad is going to die. I have been wondering if she was really comprehending all of this, I guess she does in her own 7 year old way. Meanwhile, she is sad that because he is so sick and has no immune system, she doesn't get to have friends come over. We didn't let her have many friends over as it was, now it is even harder because she can't have any play dates at our house.
Each day seems to bring new questions and new answers. We are thankful for each day that we have with Earl. I really wanted to have a wagon train reunion for him before he got too sick, now I'm not sure how we could ever get that to happen. Our mailing list is buried on a zip disc and we no longer have a zip drive. I don't know how many of the addresses would even be valid anymore. We haven't mailed out a Mormon Trail News in years.
We saw the oncologist yesterday. The long and short of it is that Earl may only have weeks left. The uncontrollable ammonia is yet another indication that he is suffering liver failure. We are starting Community Nursing Services today.
I wasn't expecting the end to come so quickly. Earl seemed to be doing really well during our trip to Seattle. I thought for sure when we got back that his bilirubin would be down when we got back. The bilirubin hasn't come down and the ammonia has risen. Earl doesn't sleep much. Trying to get him to stay in bed at night is a challenge. When we were at the doctor a week ago, Earl mentioned that he was afraid that he would die in his sleep without being able to say goodbye. Turns out that generally when you have liver failure, you just go to sleep and that's it. I think that Earl is avoiding sleep because he doesn't want to die. I don't blame him. I would be the same way I think. They have at least temporarily taken him off his chemo pill so we can find out if it is, somehow, causing the raise in the ammonia.
I talked to Mary about all this yesterday. Her first response was that she doesn't want a new daddy. I told her that it took me so long to find her daddy and I really doubted that we would have to worry about that any time soon. Later when we talked about the good and the bad of her day she said that the good part was painting Wendy's snow. The bad part was finding out that her dad is going to die. I have been wondering if she was really comprehending all of this, I guess she does in her own 7 year old way. Meanwhile, she is sad that because he is so sick and has no immune system, she doesn't get to have friends come over. We didn't let her have many friends over as it was, now it is even harder because she can't have any play dates at our house.
Each day seems to bring new questions and new answers. We are thankful for each day that we have with Earl. I really wanted to have a wagon train reunion for him before he got too sick, now I'm not sure how we could ever get that to happen. Our mailing list is buried on a zip disc and we no longer have a zip drive. I don't know how many of the addresses would even be valid anymore. We haven't mailed out a Mormon Trail News in years.
Friday, January 23, 2009
New this week
Earl has been on his chemo for about 10 days now. We have just increased his dose today to half of the full dose. I would imagine if it does okay at this level we will be at the full dose by the end of next week.Wednesday we saw the symptom management doctor for the first time. She had a lot of good information for us. She talked to us about pain and the levels of pain. If you have been to the Emergency Room lately, you might be familiar with perceived pain levels. Zero being no pain. 10 is the worst pain you can imagine. In the lower levels of pain the brain can be drawn away from the pain only feeling pain when there is nothing to draw the attention away from the pain. At the upper levels of pain you need to have stronger pain killers to help the brain not dwell on it. Untreated, high levels of pain can break down the immune system and in the case of cancer, can cause the tumors to grow more quickly. Also some pain killers are not effective when your liver isn't functioning properly.
The doctor also recommended that Earl get his abdomen tapped. Earl is retaining water in his abdomen. His belly is expanding. It hurts. So today we had that done. They drained off 3 liters of fluid. No wonder his belly was tight. We had labs done earlier in the week but the lab didn’t do all that we needed to have done so we also had new labs done today. His bilirubin in down but still higher than they want it do be to do Theraphere treatment. The ammonia in his system is really high. We will be working to get that down this week-end. When the ammonia is high, it causes Earl to be a little dingy as far as thought process. It also causes him to be very tired. His body make involutary movements. If it gets too high, it can cause him some serious brain damage, even death so we don't want the ammonia to be high.
Many have expressed concern for me in my role as Earl’s main care giver. I am touched by other’s willingness to help us. I have been thinking about things that I can ask for help with. It has been suggested that I list everything that I do in an average day, then mark off the things that only I can do. Finally, prioritize what is left. Some things may not really be that important. I have been trying to make my list the last couple of days. Although this approach makes it easier, it is still a difficult task. Why do we have such a difficult time asking for help but are so willing to offer to help others?
The doctor also recommended that Earl get his abdomen tapped. Earl is retaining water in his abdomen. His belly is expanding. It hurts. So today we had that done. They drained off 3 liters of fluid. No wonder his belly was tight. We had labs done earlier in the week but the lab didn’t do all that we needed to have done so we also had new labs done today. His bilirubin in down but still higher than they want it do be to do Theraphere treatment. The ammonia in his system is really high. We will be working to get that down this week-end. When the ammonia is high, it causes Earl to be a little dingy as far as thought process. It also causes him to be very tired. His body make involutary movements. If it gets too high, it can cause him some serious brain damage, even death so we don't want the ammonia to be high.
Many have expressed concern for me in my role as Earl’s main care giver. I am touched by other’s willingness to help us. I have been thinking about things that I can ask for help with. It has been suggested that I list everything that I do in an average day, then mark off the things that only I can do. Finally, prioritize what is left. Some things may not really be that important. I have been trying to make my list the last couple of days. Although this approach makes it easier, it is still a difficult task. Why do we have such a difficult time asking for help but are so willing to offer to help others?
Thursday, January 8, 2009
More of the Update
We saw Earl's liver doctor today. The official term is gastroenterologist. We have been seeing Dr. Boschert since 2001. He generally gives his reports straight up so this is what we have learned today.
More often than not people with liver cancer die from liver failure than from the cancer itself. The Therasphere treatment managed to shrink the tumors in the right lobe of the liver (of the two lobes, the right is the largest) so most of the tumors were treated. Unfortunately, the treatment can also kill some of the healthy liver tissue, causing liver failure.
Earl's elevated bilirubin indicates that his liver is failing. According to the medical team, with treatment Earl could live for another 3 to 6 months. If we are lucky we may have up to a year. Without any further treatment they estimate that he may have less than 3 months. We will be starting chemotherapy by the end of next week.
More often than not people with liver cancer die from liver failure than from the cancer itself. The Therasphere treatment managed to shrink the tumors in the right lobe of the liver (of the two lobes, the right is the largest) so most of the tumors were treated. Unfortunately, the treatment can also kill some of the healthy liver tissue, causing liver failure.
Earl's elevated bilirubin indicates that his liver is failing. According to the medical team, with treatment Earl could live for another 3 to 6 months. If we are lucky we may have up to a year. Without any further treatment they estimate that he may have less than 3 months. We will be starting chemotherapy by the end of next week.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Its a new year
We spent the holidays in Seattle with Earl's family. We had good visits with his siblings and mother and especially his older children. We stayed at his mom's home where his brother Charlie and his family lives. We were treated like royalty. Earl's sister, Dorothy made it possible for us to make the trip. Charlie and his wife, Michelle would not let us cook for ourselves or clean-up. We were on vacation.
Seattle was snowed in. We didn't go anywhere for the first few days. We arrived in a huge snow storm 5 hours later than we should have. Mary enjoyed playing in the snow with her cousin Jackie who is 3 years old. We were finally able to get some Christmas shopping done on the 23rd.
On Christmas we drove over to pick up Earl's oldes son, Isaac. We made a wrong turn and got stuck in a dead end street trying to turn around. While Earl and I were evaluating our situation, Mary said a prayer for help. It came in the form of 4 nameless strangers with shovels. We were so thankful for their help. We arrived at Dorothy's just in time for a terrific eggs benedict breakfast.
On Saturday, the 27th we went out to dinner with Earl's children. We were able to take a couple of family pictures that included everyone but Jacob who is in Iraq with the Navy.
On Sunday, the 28th we had the Gillmore family Christmas party. What a fun time. The Gillmore's love to have a good time. We had a couple of talent acts, good food and the traditional white elephant game. We were able to take pictures of Earl with many of his siblings.
I will post the pictures on a later post. Today I am consentrating on updating.
We were supposed to come home on the 29th but Earl's mom asked if we could stay longer. We didn't really feel like we had anything that we needed to get back for, so we stayed until the 2nd. Mary and I went to the Seattle Science Center with Jackie and Michelle, Rachel, Jacqui and Aaron.
Mary, Earl and I went to Puyallup to see the monument that Earl's sister, Diane put up. We got lost twice and took quite a drive before we finally got there. Luckily it was still light and the weather held for us. I had never been to Tacoma before and now I have.
We arrived home to snow in Salt Lake City and it has snowed nearly every day since we have been home.
Monday we started finding out Earl's status. Currently his bilirubin is higher than it has ever been. So the Therasphere's treatment has been put on hold. We are not sure if it is definite. We will be starting on a low dose of chemotherapy and see how it goes.
I wanted to end this update on a good note so here is the good news. The first Therasphere treatment has put Earl's Alpha Fetal Protein down into the normal range so the tumors are shrinking. We are going to be looking into seeing if Earl's medications are too high and maybe that will change his numbers. We have another doctor appointment on Thursday. We can only pray that things get better.
Seattle was snowed in. We didn't go anywhere for the first few days. We arrived in a huge snow storm 5 hours later than we should have. Mary enjoyed playing in the snow with her cousin Jackie who is 3 years old. We were finally able to get some Christmas shopping done on the 23rd.
On Christmas we drove over to pick up Earl's oldes son, Isaac. We made a wrong turn and got stuck in a dead end street trying to turn around. While Earl and I were evaluating our situation, Mary said a prayer for help. It came in the form of 4 nameless strangers with shovels. We were so thankful for their help. We arrived at Dorothy's just in time for a terrific eggs benedict breakfast.
On Saturday, the 27th we went out to dinner with Earl's children. We were able to take a couple of family pictures that included everyone but Jacob who is in Iraq with the Navy.
On Sunday, the 28th we had the Gillmore family Christmas party. What a fun time. The Gillmore's love to have a good time. We had a couple of talent acts, good food and the traditional white elephant game. We were able to take pictures of Earl with many of his siblings.
I will post the pictures on a later post. Today I am consentrating on updating.
We were supposed to come home on the 29th but Earl's mom asked if we could stay longer. We didn't really feel like we had anything that we needed to get back for, so we stayed until the 2nd. Mary and I went to the Seattle Science Center with Jackie and Michelle, Rachel, Jacqui and Aaron.
Mary, Earl and I went to Puyallup to see the monument that Earl's sister, Diane put up. We got lost twice and took quite a drive before we finally got there. Luckily it was still light and the weather held for us. I had never been to Tacoma before and now I have.
We arrived home to snow in Salt Lake City and it has snowed nearly every day since we have been home.
Monday we started finding out Earl's status. Currently his bilirubin is higher than it has ever been. So the Therasphere's treatment has been put on hold. We are not sure if it is definite. We will be starting on a low dose of chemotherapy and see how it goes.
I wanted to end this update on a good note so here is the good news. The first Therasphere treatment has put Earl's Alpha Fetal Protein down into the normal range so the tumors are shrinking. We are going to be looking into seeing if Earl's medications are too high and maybe that will change his numbers. We have another doctor appointment on Thursday. We can only pray that things get better.
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